where is manda when i need her?

I havent felt this way in a long time. it sucks to feel this way. And the only person I want to share this with is away in new zealand. Meeting amanda and jieqi made me truely realise that gym isnt that way it is anymore. my teammates arent that same ppl anymore. Maybe they wont be there to accept me no matter what. And despite what they say, i think jeanne and manda seriously dont need me to be there. Jiaqi too. I feel for her but there is nothing i can do, cuz im not training with her. Im not the teammate she needs. Somewhere along the way, jiaqi and manda moved on without me. Im not blaming them..and I think its really good for them too. They are such strong ppl. They'll always make it in the end.

I feel lost.

Lost is the right word. I never thought i would feel this way. Gym was somewhere I could always turn to. Even when I didnt go back for a long time. I always feel welcome, at home. But hc gym isnt the same. The ppl there werent there when i went through the toughest times. The only people w me was qiaoyan, and jeanne.

I've grown so used to ppl knowing me and all my pains. I've been sheltered by love and care with all my friends around me in nanyang. I am not who i used to be. I have changed so much sometimes i think i dont know myself anymore. And even though i may be really happy talking to new people, even though i tell them about my injury..i know there is no way that they can feel my pain. And this pain is so much a part of me now. Its part of who I am. It is why, when im with my closest friends..i am so much more a quieter person. A person who is in pain.

I hate my knee. I really do. At times like this I ask the same questions over and over again. And even though i havent been in this state for a really long time, im stil tired of being like this. I hate it.

Who am I?
What am I good at?
What can I do?

the things that define who I was changed so much I no longer know who I am. I feel like I cannot let go of the past. I just really want to be back to who I was. before the bloody op and all. Everybody tells me that i will heal. But seriously, there are times when im filled with despair. It feels like im handicapped forever.

I wear a freaking smiling happy mask.
And the mask scares me.
Cuz the all the new ppl that i will meet wont know who I really am.
And digging up the past to tell them is just. painful.

I want to stay in nanyang forever. I suddenly dont want to go to jc and meet new people. I dont want to be reminded of that. But it will always come up. Cuz it pretty much blocked out everything else, and sums up my life.

Suddenly there is nobody that understands.
Because if you've never been through it. You can never understand.

Im going for my primary school gathering tmr. I'll be meeting people that strangely enough, knew and yet did not know me. Because they knew the sports side of me. but they never knew the sociable and crazy me. In pschool i used my body to express myself. Now my body has betrayed me. I didnt realise when i became so much more open and sociable. I think it was after the whole knee thing. And even though sometimes i think its good, i think its not really who I am. When im with people im most comfortable with, im just the quiet person that really wants to rest.

Is there anybody in the world that feels the same way as me now?

where is manda when i need her?

I havent felt this way in a long time. it sucks to feel this way. And the only person I want to share this with is away in new zealand. Meeting amanda and jieqi made me truely realise that gym isnt that way it is anymore. my teammates arent that same ppl anymore. Maybe they wont be there to accept me no matter what. And despite what they say, i think jeanne and manda seriously dont need me to be there. Jiaqi too. I feel for her but there is nothing i can do, cuz im not training with her. Im not the teammate she needs. Somewhere along the way, jiaqi and manda moved on without me. Im not blaming them..and I think its really good for them too. They are such strong ppl. They'll always make it in the end.

I feel lost.

Lost is the right word. I never thought i would feel this way. Gym was somewhere I could always turn to. Even when I didnt go back for a long time. I always feel welcome, at home. But hc gym isnt the same. The ppl there werent there when i went through the toughest times. The only people w me was qiaoyan, and jeanne.

I've grown so used to ppl knowing me and all my pains. I've been sheltered by love and care with all my friends around me in nanyang. I am not who i used to be. I have changed so much sometimes i think i dont know myself anymore. And even though i may be really happy talking to new people, even though i tell them about my injury..i know there is no way that they can feel my pain. And this pain is so much a part of me now. Its part of who I am. It is why, when im with my closest friends..i am so much more a quieter person. A person who is in pain.

I hate my knee. I really do. At times like this I ask the same questions over and over again. And even though i havent been in this state for a really long time, im stil tired of being like this. I hate it.

Who am I?
What am I good at?
What can I do?

the things that define who I was changed so much I no longer know who I am. I feel like I cannot let go of the past. I just really want to be back to who I was. before the bloody op and all. Everybody tells me that i will heal. But seriously, there are times when im filled with despair. It feels like im handicapped forever.

I wear a freaking smiling happy mask.
And the mask scares me.
Cuz the all the new ppl that i will meet wont know who I really am.
And digging up the past to tell them is just. painful.

I want to stay in nanyang forever. I suddenly dont want to go to jc and meet new people. I dont want to be reminded of that. But it will always come up. Cuz it pretty much blocked out everything else, and sums up my life.

Suddenly there is nobody that understands.
Because if you've never been through it. You can never understand.

Im going for my primary school gathering tmr. I'll be meeting people that strangely enough, knew and yet did not know me. Because they knew the sports side of me. but they never knew the sociable and crazy me. In pschool i used my body to express myself. Now my body has betrayed me. I didnt realise when i became so much more open and sociable. I think it was after the whole knee thing. And even though sometimes i think its good, i think its not really who I am. When im with people im most comfortable with, im just the quiet person that really wants to rest.

Is there anybody in the world that feels the same way as me now?