When they handed the brown envelope containing the MRI scan over to me, I didnt want to receive it. I didnt want to know if I had to go for another operation. "You open it," said mummy. I think she was more nervious than I was. Opening the envelope was like pushing open the valve between heaven and hell. I remember the last time I reached curiously into a similar brown envelope, I did not know that the white paper would be there. This time I reached certainly and grimly for the white paper that would definitely be there.

The ACL graft shows severe strain/partial tear. Oh.Okay.

Abnormal linear signal intensity in the bodies and posterior horns of both menisci.Please correlate clinically with previous surgical findings, as post-meniscal repair and meniscal re-tear may show similar appearance on unenhanced scan.

A small joint effusion, with a small loose body at the patella.

I thought I was prepared for the worst last night. Today I discovered I wasnt. When I walked into the centre, it looked exactly the same as the last time. I recognised on the the receptionists. I remember I waited for a longer time. But during the scan itself, I was more bored than I remembered, and more impatient. That half an hour seemed really long. I made me think just how much time we waste away with each passing day.

It is certain now, that I will never train again. That day, after those qiankongs, I really thought I could train again, become normal again. Its not possible now. Because I cannot cause more pain to my family. My mum especially. I also cant make the slighest mistake during training, and its not possible to complete a tao without going through all those mistakes. And when I recover fully this time, there won't be time to complete bdiv anyway. And as comps draw near, I dont want to waste the precious time on the tramp everybody else needs. Its not that my parents forced me. I let go of it myself.

Im not crying now. Im not depressed now. And I decide, to stop training. Last Friday I was crying. I was typing "I give up" "Im not training anymore" but I couldnt send those smses out. I didnt want to admit that I cant train anymore, even though I knew I cant. Its easy to nod and tell my relatives i wont risk all the injuries again and stop training, because they represent the logical part of me. But its not easy to tell my teammates that im not going to continue. Cause they are part of the passion, of the strive for perfection. Of training.

I am very rational now. I cannot continue training and I will accept that for now. What worries me is captaincy. I will stay on and teach and help out and everything. I can be a very good senior. But captain? Its something I feel I cant really do to the best. Because there are some things I cannot judge confidently. Like how far to push someone safely for houkong? for jieing houban, for jieing tao. I want the best for gym, and if Amanda or Jiaqi can bring gym further if they are captain, im willing to give it up. Training has improved. Wu is a problem, but hopefully the long weekend has given everyone a good break, and the bdivers can go back to training more positively and for themselves. The c divs dont have sufficient time on the tramp, but their qiankongs are getting somewhere. I need to talk to Amanda and Jiaqi urgently. I'll talk to Sianglin too if she was still in Singapore. I don't want to drag this any longer if possible because comps arent far away.

Since I cant train in gym, I'll be needing some other outlet. I want to take up some other sport, or dance. And maybe art. I've always wanted to learn to fight, or maybe, I could go back to tennis or officially learn squash. If I dont go off and do something that really stretches and pushes me, I'll just end up a restless, irritable bum.

When they handed the brown envelope containing the MRI scan over to me, I didnt want to receive it. I didnt want to know if I had to go for another operation. "You open it," said mummy. I think she was more nervious than I was. Opening the envelope was like pushing open the valve between heaven and hell. I remember the last time I reached curiously into a similar brown envelope, I did not know that the white paper would be there. This time I reached certainly and grimly for the white paper that would definitely be there.

The ACL graft shows severe strain/partial tear. Oh.Okay.

Abnormal linear signal intensity in the bodies and posterior horns of both menisci.Please correlate clinically with previous surgical findings, as post-meniscal repair and meniscal re-tear may show similar appearance on unenhanced scan.

A small joint effusion, with a small loose body at the patella.

I thought I was prepared for the worst last night. Today I discovered I wasnt. When I walked into the centre, it looked exactly the same as the last time. I recognised on the the receptionists. I remember I waited for a longer time. But during the scan itself, I was more bored than I remembered, and more impatient. That half an hour seemed really long. I made me think just how much time we waste away with each passing day.

It is certain now, that I will never train again. That day, after those qiankongs, I really thought I could train again, become normal again. Its not possible now. Because I cannot cause more pain to my family. My mum especially. I also cant make the slighest mistake during training, and its not possible to complete a tao without going through all those mistakes. And when I recover fully this time, there won't be time to complete bdiv anyway. And as comps draw near, I dont want to waste the precious time on the tramp everybody else needs. Its not that my parents forced me. I let go of it myself.

Im not crying now. Im not depressed now. And I decide, to stop training. Last Friday I was crying. I was typing "I give up" "Im not training anymore" but I couldnt send those smses out. I didnt want to admit that I cant train anymore, even though I knew I cant. Its easy to nod and tell my relatives i wont risk all the injuries again and stop training, because they represent the logical part of me. But its not easy to tell my teammates that im not going to continue. Cause they are part of the passion, of the strive for perfection. Of training.

I am very rational now. I cannot continue training and I will accept that for now. What worries me is captaincy. I will stay on and teach and help out and everything. I can be a very good senior. But captain? Its something I feel I cant really do to the best. Because there are some things I cannot judge confidently. Like how far to push someone safely for houkong? for jieing houban, for jieing tao. I want the best for gym, and if Amanda or Jiaqi can bring gym further if they are captain, im willing to give it up. Training has improved. Wu is a problem, but hopefully the long weekend has given everyone a good break, and the bdivers can go back to training more positively and for themselves. The c divs dont have sufficient time on the tramp, but their qiankongs are getting somewhere. I need to talk to Amanda and Jiaqi urgently. I'll talk to Sianglin too if she was still in Singapore. I don't want to drag this any longer if possible because comps arent far away.

Since I cant train in gym, I'll be needing some other outlet. I want to take up some other sport, or dance. And maybe art. I've always wanted to learn to fight, or maybe, I could go back to tennis or officially learn squash. If I dont go off and do something that really stretches and pushes me, I'll just end up a restless, irritable bum.