A lot has been happening. I didnt know so many things. Now that I know them, im no less confused. I didnt know there was such a mess. And like manda said, "The more I look at it, the bigger a mess it seems." Its hard to be human. Its hard to say some things to people. Its just..unethical and cruel and mean. Some things are just left unsaid. But somethings cant be left alone.

I was confused. I was a bit bitter. But now I know its all okay. I can accept everything. Because I dont feel useless about stuff anymore. Amanda's strong. She's so strong and sure of herself I've been trying to do what shes doing. And doing it her way. Which doesnt work for me. I dont work her way. I should just use my way, and she her way. Somethings only she can do, and somethings only I can do. Things will work better, and we could complement each other. I've always wanted to run away from being sec 4. From being 最大. Our batch has never been united. But I know that every one of us has something special that helps. And im happy that im able to see that.

In the end. Im okay with my situation. Finally after 10 months, im okay with letting go. Im okay to stop training for b div. Im also finally admitting something I never let myself admit. That I wont be able to complete b div in time anyway. I always hoped. But its not possible. Training is about striving for perfection. Always. I just want to best for gym now. I want everyone to complete their taos to their own satisfaction, happily, confidently. Without injuries. Thats most important.

Amanda makes me think alot. I dont know why few ppl see her the way I do. Amanda's such a funny person. She's interesting. She's moral. She has compassion. She's normal, no matter what she thinks. What about mainstream and not? She's just different, I appreciate her exactly the way she is. She's just been forced into a situation which is also partly my fault. I'll change things for her in this 3 weeks. Both in and out of training.


I've found a part of myself that was always hidden deep inside me. I've never seen myself as a leader. In primary school I was always very quiet. I had a problem with confidence. In Nanyang, time after time I'm faced with leadership rows. I wondered why. In sec 1 and 2. In sec 3 and gym. And faced with this, I've always tried to be a person im not. I've always thought a leader was someone who was domineering, a bit overbearing. Just a D person. And I wasnt. Therefore I thought I just wasnt made to be a leader. Im not built to lead. I've just realised, that im not working the way I should be working. Im not doing what I do best. I didnt see something in myself that was important. Gym helped me realise this. Then I look back to primary school, and Charlene tells me she always thought I could lead. I wonder why so many ppl saw something in me that I myself couldnt see. And I realised something else. Compassion and understanding and sensitivity, human relations. Thats all more important than alot of other things. What daddy said is true. A tao is still important. But I can put less pressure on myself. I wont go doing stupid stuff.

Maybe a captain without a tao isn't possible.
Maybe it is.

A lot has been happening. I didnt know so many things. Now that I know them, im no less confused. I didnt know there was such a mess. And like manda said, "The more I look at it, the bigger a mess it seems." Its hard to be human. Its hard to say some things to people. Its just..unethical and cruel and mean. Some things are just left unsaid. But somethings cant be left alone.

I was confused. I was a bit bitter. But now I know its all okay. I can accept everything. Because I dont feel useless about stuff anymore. Amanda's strong. She's so strong and sure of herself I've been trying to do what shes doing. And doing it her way. Which doesnt work for me. I dont work her way. I should just use my way, and she her way. Somethings only she can do, and somethings only I can do. Things will work better, and we could complement each other. I've always wanted to run away from being sec 4. From being 最大. Our batch has never been united. But I know that every one of us has something special that helps. And im happy that im able to see that.

In the end. Im okay with my situation. Finally after 10 months, im okay with letting go. Im okay to stop training for b div. Im also finally admitting something I never let myself admit. That I wont be able to complete b div in time anyway. I always hoped. But its not possible. Training is about striving for perfection. Always. I just want to best for gym now. I want everyone to complete their taos to their own satisfaction, happily, confidently. Without injuries. Thats most important.

Amanda makes me think alot. I dont know why few ppl see her the way I do. Amanda's such a funny person. She's interesting. She's moral. She has compassion. She's normal, no matter what she thinks. What about mainstream and not? She's just different, I appreciate her exactly the way she is. She's just been forced into a situation which is also partly my fault. I'll change things for her in this 3 weeks. Both in and out of training.


I've found a part of myself that was always hidden deep inside me. I've never seen myself as a leader. In primary school I was always very quiet. I had a problem with confidence. In Nanyang, time after time I'm faced with leadership rows. I wondered why. In sec 1 and 2. In sec 3 and gym. And faced with this, I've always tried to be a person im not. I've always thought a leader was someone who was domineering, a bit overbearing. Just a D person. And I wasnt. Therefore I thought I just wasnt made to be a leader. Im not built to lead. I've just realised, that im not working the way I should be working. Im not doing what I do best. I didnt see something in myself that was important. Gym helped me realise this. Then I look back to primary school, and Charlene tells me she always thought I could lead. I wonder why so many ppl saw something in me that I myself couldnt see. And I realised something else. Compassion and understanding and sensitivity, human relations. Thats all more important than alot of other things. What daddy said is true. A tao is still important. But I can put less pressure on myself. I wont go doing stupid stuff.

Maybe a captain without a tao isn't possible.
Maybe it is.