I feel like I am never home at all. Seriously. The only time I have to spend at home is at dawn. So I stay up stoning and reading till 3a.m or 4a.m. Its like the only time I spend in my room. Everyday I wake at 11 or 12, go out, come back, eat dinner, then go to the gym. Im homesick, if that is even possible. I sick of going out. Is that even possible? I am staying at home tomorrow. And Im going to wake early to enjoy the time I have at home. I need to pack my table, my cupboard, my homework stuff. Despite trying to make time for my homework, I am never at home long enough to do it. Or at least when Im home, Im sleeping.

Today I finally got my new phone =D Its E65. The red one. But the buttons and functions are all quite different from my dear old nokia phone. I took like half an hour to find the menu button. >< Im really not used to seeing a new phone. I still love my old phone so much. My dear trusty old phone. There's something irritatingly wrong with my SIM card, so I cant store my contacts and messages into my new phone. Theres really so many memories in my old phone, Im never going to throw it away. So many messages I kept, so many old numbers I have. Its the first real phone I had, I remember Kah Hsing had the same phone as me. =D

My sis started tennis again. Watching her play makes me wonder if I will ever start gym again. Ever do bdiv again. My only hope was to complete b div, no matter how ugly. Now Im so used to going to the gym and leaving not the least bit tired physically. Everyday Im stagnant. The only time I feel truely alive these days..its when I read late into the night, tunneling into dawn. I've always loved the night. Its only now, after so many years of staring at the dark, blurred ceiling [because I have horrible eyesight], trying to sleep because everyone else was, that I finally can be myself in my own way. I don't sleep at night, and I don't wake early. Even when I was in my mummy's womb, I'll start kicking and moving only at night. These days, late into the night, gym isn't on my mind. Its just living the moment. The moments before its light, the moments of quietness and aloneness. The moments when my thoughts aren't disturbed by any other person. Its just me, myself, and I. My messy room, my bed, my bear, my world. I feel for once Im not doing anything for anybody, just living for myself because I love myself. I like helping people, being with people. But aloneless is something that's really a big part of me. I realised that somewhere along the way this year. I didn't like it that much, but now I realise its so much a part of me. Someone once said to me: You really love solitude.

I didn't believe that person.

I am a normal person. I want to have many friends. I want to be popular, well-liked. Or I want a best friend. Whatever it is, I think about friendship like everyone does, I think. There were times when I want to be on better terms with the people around me, wanted to be closer to 3/4. Wanted to fit in better. Its still here. I still want that. But then why is it that I still feel this way? That I can't leave with having so little time to myself. This holidays.. I really feel like I am never at home, that Im always out. I do enjoy myself when Im out, but when Im home, at the dawning of dawn, I feel this sense of self neglect. Its something I have never felt before. Its so weird. And its not really self neglect, actually. Its a feeling I can't describe, or put a finger on. So I've come to conclude aloneless is a part of me. I wonder how many people feel this way too. I know Larrie won't ever feel like this. And this topic doesnt exactly come up in a conversation.

Maybe just like my inability to fall asleep at night, there are other people out there like this, just like me. I truely thought it was normal to not be able to sleep at night. Then I realised how little people actually have a hard time sleeping. Then I realised there were people like me too. There are people who have put Insomnia over my head. I do wonder. Or what if there are just different people. Different but politically normal people?

I can't seem to stop thinking about gym. Sometimes about how everyone is going to complete their taos before comps. But much more of the time, its spent thinking about my position in gym. Why does my knee not me allow to do what I should be doing? I can't deny it anymore. I don't have that passion for gym anymore. Sure, I wish I could continue jumping. But I know that I don't strive for perfection. I know I will always fear for my knee above everything else. Above my tao. I used to think I could put aside that fear. I know I cannot. Because even when Im climbing stairs, my knee aches. Every small thing I do I think about my knee. Going down the stairs, up the stairs, walking on wet ground, I don't only think about it. I feel it. I don't know how Jiayi managed her tao. I really don't know how. Cause even if I have been doing intensive knee pt for 2 weeks everyday, even though I have always stretched and did light pt, I just can't trust it to hold me up. I lie.

What is a captain without a tao?

Despite what anyone tells me, or is going to tell me, or what I try to comfort myself about. I still think that a good tao is a very important part of being a captain. If I was someone else looking at me in my situation, maybe I will think its okay. But I cannot be okay with myself. I can't respect myself alot. My sister is always going on about her resume. Next time on my resume, its stated that Im captain. I don't feel good about it being there when I can do virtually nothing. Marshmellows for Breakfast is such I wonderful book. I love the writing style. Its very different from the other books I've read. Its a break from fantasy and its about people overcoming the darkest things in their lives. About denial and acceptance, about love in a very pure form. Its inspirational in a way.

Every training I have no time to think about these things, but nothing stops me from always thinking about this on the bus to training, on the bus from training. And at random times on the mrt, in the car, or just eating, even sometimes when Im out, there's this fleeting bitterness, into my head, out of it again. I think that Amanda will make a better captain.

I know it is my fault. I lie to myself. I have always known it but have never admited it. I always say, I dunno why, my knee just doesnt allow it. I blame my knee for not healing, when its actually my fault that it doesnt heal. My fault for stopping physio because I hated it. My fault for always not taking my glucosamine pills. My fault for just not caring enough. Thats why my knee hasn't healed properly. So I got myself into this shit situation. I have truly learned a lot this year. Come to realise so much.

About acceptance and diligence. About how life works. I am learning more everyday. This is another lesson. Somethings in life, I really dislike, even if its good for me. So I ignore it. Somethings are not good for me, but its so easy to just follow that path. So I do. I know the consequences but it doesn't bother me. I just don't care, because I think its still very far off, when the time comes, I'll just deal with it. For now I will just be happy doing what I want. What for do pt? its so hard, especially when my muscles are so weak, when my knee hurts. What for stretch it everyday when it hurts so much. What for? Its so same for homework. Just keep pushing it away. Pushing it away, even when I know I shouldn't.

I got myself into this shit, now how to get out? The problem is time. Time waits for no man. Time is so fair, its unfair. Its so fair it hurts, because the one in the wrong is always me. When its against time, the one thats incompetent is me. When I run 2.4, I know that I can take as much time as I want, as long as I complete it. But if Im running for 20mins, there is so much uncertainty. If I run faster now, can I complete the 20mins? So then I run slower, and at the end I don't feel like I fully stretched and pushed myself. And then I feel somewhat unsated underneath that satisfaction. When I run with time, when I cycle with time, I wonder what my target is. What was my target those 6 months ago? Now at the end of the six months, I wish I had ran harder, but its too late. With the cycle, the next time I do it, I can tell myself to go faster. But there are no second chances with alot of things, with the 6 months. I waited for the six months to be up. I waited like I wait for 20mins to past when Im cycling. I wait but I don't spend the time wisely. I wait so much, but when the time's up, I realise that I don't get what I want. I don't get what I expected. And time is so fair, it hurts. It hurts that I was wrong, in not using time wisely.

In all walks of life, time is so fair it hurts.
Time heals all things, but how much time does one have?

In all walks of life, the right path is always clear.
The right path is so clear, one avoids it.

I always know what is right. I believe everyone does. We just don't follow it for humane reasons. Because it is our nature. That is why I will always salute to Shi Hui, for being one of the only people I know that always do what is right, what she should do, when it comes to studies. I salute her because I think she always does what she thinks is right, and has qualities I aspire to have.

I feel like I am never home at all. Seriously. The only time I have to spend at home is at dawn. So I stay up stoning and reading till 3a.m or 4a.m. Its like the only time I spend in my room. Everyday I wake at 11 or 12, go out, come back, eat dinner, then go to the gym. Im homesick, if that is even possible. I sick of going out. Is that even possible? I am staying at home tomorrow. And Im going to wake early to enjoy the time I have at home. I need to pack my table, my cupboard, my homework stuff. Despite trying to make time for my homework, I am never at home long enough to do it. Or at least when Im home, Im sleeping.

Today I finally got my new phone =D Its E65. The red one. But the buttons and functions are all quite different from my dear old nokia phone. I took like half an hour to find the menu button. >< Im really not used to seeing a new phone. I still love my old phone so much. My dear trusty old phone. There's something irritatingly wrong with my SIM card, so I cant store my contacts and messages into my new phone. Theres really so many memories in my old phone, Im never going to throw it away. So many messages I kept, so many old numbers I have. Its the first real phone I had, I remember Kah Hsing had the same phone as me. =D

My sis started tennis again. Watching her play makes me wonder if I will ever start gym again. Ever do bdiv again. My only hope was to complete b div, no matter how ugly. Now Im so used to going to the gym and leaving not the least bit tired physically. Everyday Im stagnant. The only time I feel truely alive these days..its when I read late into the night, tunneling into dawn. I've always loved the night. Its only now, after so many years of staring at the dark, blurred ceiling [because I have horrible eyesight], trying to sleep because everyone else was, that I finally can be myself in my own way. I don't sleep at night, and I don't wake early. Even when I was in my mummy's womb, I'll start kicking and moving only at night. These days, late into the night, gym isn't on my mind. Its just living the moment. The moments before its light, the moments of quietness and aloneness. The moments when my thoughts aren't disturbed by any other person. Its just me, myself, and I. My messy room, my bed, my bear, my world. I feel for once Im not doing anything for anybody, just living for myself because I love myself. I like helping people, being with people. But aloneless is something that's really a big part of me. I realised that somewhere along the way this year. I didn't like it that much, but now I realise its so much a part of me. Someone once said to me: You really love solitude.

I didn't believe that person.

I am a normal person. I want to have many friends. I want to be popular, well-liked. Or I want a best friend. Whatever it is, I think about friendship like everyone does, I think. There were times when I want to be on better terms with the people around me, wanted to be closer to 3/4. Wanted to fit in better. Its still here. I still want that. But then why is it that I still feel this way? That I can't leave with having so little time to myself. This holidays.. I really feel like I am never at home, that Im always out. I do enjoy myself when Im out, but when Im home, at the dawning of dawn, I feel this sense of self neglect. Its something I have never felt before. Its so weird. And its not really self neglect, actually. Its a feeling I can't describe, or put a finger on. So I've come to conclude aloneless is a part of me. I wonder how many people feel this way too. I know Larrie won't ever feel like this. And this topic doesnt exactly come up in a conversation.

Maybe just like my inability to fall asleep at night, there are other people out there like this, just like me. I truely thought it was normal to not be able to sleep at night. Then I realised how little people actually have a hard time sleeping. Then I realised there were people like me too. There are people who have put Insomnia over my head. I do wonder. Or what if there are just different people. Different but politically normal people?

I can't seem to stop thinking about gym. Sometimes about how everyone is going to complete their taos before comps. But much more of the time, its spent thinking about my position in gym. Why does my knee not me allow to do what I should be doing? I can't deny it anymore. I don't have that passion for gym anymore. Sure, I wish I could continue jumping. But I know that I don't strive for perfection. I know I will always fear for my knee above everything else. Above my tao. I used to think I could put aside that fear. I know I cannot. Because even when Im climbing stairs, my knee aches. Every small thing I do I think about my knee. Going down the stairs, up the stairs, walking on wet ground, I don't only think about it. I feel it. I don't know how Jiayi managed her tao. I really don't know how. Cause even if I have been doing intensive knee pt for 2 weeks everyday, even though I have always stretched and did light pt, I just can't trust it to hold me up. I lie.

What is a captain without a tao?

Despite what anyone tells me, or is going to tell me, or what I try to comfort myself about. I still think that a good tao is a very important part of being a captain. If I was someone else looking at me in my situation, maybe I will think its okay. But I cannot be okay with myself. I can't respect myself alot. My sister is always going on about her resume. Next time on my resume, its stated that Im captain. I don't feel good about it being there when I can do virtually nothing. Marshmellows for Breakfast is such I wonderful book. I love the writing style. Its very different from the other books I've read. Its a break from fantasy and its about people overcoming the darkest things in their lives. About denial and acceptance, about love in a very pure form. Its inspirational in a way.

Every training I have no time to think about these things, but nothing stops me from always thinking about this on the bus to training, on the bus from training. And at random times on the mrt, in the car, or just eating, even sometimes when Im out, there's this fleeting bitterness, into my head, out of it again. I think that Amanda will make a better captain.

I know it is my fault. I lie to myself. I have always known it but have never admited it. I always say, I dunno why, my knee just doesnt allow it. I blame my knee for not healing, when its actually my fault that it doesnt heal. My fault for stopping physio because I hated it. My fault for always not taking my glucosamine pills. My fault for just not caring enough. Thats why my knee hasn't healed properly. So I got myself into this shit situation. I have truly learned a lot this year. Come to realise so much.

About acceptance and diligence. About how life works. I am learning more everyday. This is another lesson. Somethings in life, I really dislike, even if its good for me. So I ignore it. Somethings are not good for me, but its so easy to just follow that path. So I do. I know the consequences but it doesn't bother me. I just don't care, because I think its still very far off, when the time comes, I'll just deal with it. For now I will just be happy doing what I want. What for do pt? its so hard, especially when my muscles are so weak, when my knee hurts. What for stretch it everyday when it hurts so much. What for? Its so same for homework. Just keep pushing it away. Pushing it away, even when I know I shouldn't.

I got myself into this shit, now how to get out? The problem is time. Time waits for no man. Time is so fair, its unfair. Its so fair it hurts, because the one in the wrong is always me. When its against time, the one thats incompetent is me. When I run 2.4, I know that I can take as much time as I want, as long as I complete it. But if Im running for 20mins, there is so much uncertainty. If I run faster now, can I complete the 20mins? So then I run slower, and at the end I don't feel like I fully stretched and pushed myself. And then I feel somewhat unsated underneath that satisfaction. When I run with time, when I cycle with time, I wonder what my target is. What was my target those 6 months ago? Now at the end of the six months, I wish I had ran harder, but its too late. With the cycle, the next time I do it, I can tell myself to go faster. But there are no second chances with alot of things, with the 6 months. I waited for the six months to be up. I waited like I wait for 20mins to past when Im cycling. I wait but I don't spend the time wisely. I wait so much, but when the time's up, I realise that I don't get what I want. I don't get what I expected. And time is so fair, it hurts. It hurts that I was wrong, in not using time wisely.

In all walks of life, time is so fair it hurts.
Time heals all things, but how much time does one have?

In all walks of life, the right path is always clear.
The right path is so clear, one avoids it.

I always know what is right. I believe everyone does. We just don't follow it for humane reasons. Because it is our nature. That is why I will always salute to Shi Hui, for being one of the only people I know that always do what is right, what she should do, when it comes to studies. I salute her because I think she always does what she thinks is right, and has qualities I aspire to have.