I think, sometimes I am the stupidest person alive. At other times, I think I am the most unlucky person alive. I be selfish, and I question: why me? I am 10 days from supposed full recovery, then why, if i jump and skip a step, there is a loud crack, my knee shifts slightly, and there is pain?

I've tolerated so long. I've kept away from sports for so long. I have pretended to be unaffected during p.e. lessions. I have kept from hurting during the times I go back to gym and watch everyone jump. I have bit my tongue everytime people complain about their cca, about sports. I have went through all that, but I've been getting impatient, hence the freaking long walks. Hence the small jumps down the stairs. Hence the small jumps, skips, bounces.

I am so scared, perhaps only jeanne will know. I am so scared of it happening all again. I want to be normal. I want to be rid of the fear of jumping, and hurting my knee. If there is fear, I won't be able to complete b div up to my expectations, up to everyone else's expectations. Jeanne.. I remember every word of encouragement I gave you. I turn it unto myself, but I dont get that courage. I am scared I tore my ligament again. Or the meniscus. Or..some other thing. And then, if just a small jump down steps can cause that much..what will continuing gym amount to?

I can't just stop, even though I can. I can't, even though I will be so stressed next year, even though I will suffer trying to get the tao. Everyone who has believed in me, who has hoped that I will get back, I can't let them down. And most importantly, I can't let myself down.

I don't have the time to type it all down. I will remember rainbows, even when their lights dim, even if I can't hope.

I think, sometimes I am the stupidest person alive. At other times, I think I am the most unlucky person alive. I be selfish, and I question: why me? I am 10 days from supposed full recovery, then why, if i jump and skip a step, there is a loud crack, my knee shifts slightly, and there is pain?

I've tolerated so long. I've kept away from sports for so long. I have pretended to be unaffected during p.e. lessions. I have kept from hurting during the times I go back to gym and watch everyone jump. I have bit my tongue everytime people complain about their cca, about sports. I have went through all that, but I've been getting impatient, hence the freaking long walks. Hence the small jumps down the stairs. Hence the small jumps, skips, bounces.

I am so scared, perhaps only jeanne will know. I am so scared of it happening all again. I want to be normal. I want to be rid of the fear of jumping, and hurting my knee. If there is fear, I won't be able to complete b div up to my expectations, up to everyone else's expectations. Jeanne.. I remember every word of encouragement I gave you. I turn it unto myself, but I dont get that courage. I am scared I tore my ligament again. Or the meniscus. Or..some other thing. And then, if just a small jump down steps can cause that much..what will continuing gym amount to?

I can't just stop, even though I can. I can't, even though I will be so stressed next year, even though I will suffer trying to get the tao. Everyone who has believed in me, who has hoped that I will get back, I can't let them down. And most importantly, I can't let myself down.

I don't have the time to type it all down. I will remember rainbows, even when their lights dim, even if I can't hope.